So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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