Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
