That's intense
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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