I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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