How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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