Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
