After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he puts the penis in happiness.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
