EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
