Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
