I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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