Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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