My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
