I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
