Please, let me fuck your mom
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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