i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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