U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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