I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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