I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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