God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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