so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
