Your mouth is God's brothel.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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