and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
