Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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