they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
