i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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