I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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