i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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