remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
