we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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