ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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