I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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