My liver just broke up with me...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
