I wish life had little blips of pornography
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
