all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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