a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
