peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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