Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
