I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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