Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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