woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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