I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
They are going to name an STD after you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
