I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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