mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
