I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
