You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
