No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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