i barfeds in our rink
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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