The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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