weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
