Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
