that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I touched a dick in church today
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