Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
