New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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