she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We just shotgunned beers for America
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
