also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize